Today is supposed to be my friends 30th birthday. I say 'supposed to be' because it's not. It's not.
She died 13 years ago, just one month shy of her 17th birthday. Had she survived, she'd be 30. Today.
I miss her. I am angry at her. I don't know what life would be like with her, had she lived. She didn't. I didn't get to toast her for her 30th birthday today. She left and left me behind.
I don't think about her a lot. I mostly remember her with love. I often think of her with sadness. As the years go on I find myself thinking less and less as the individual days go on. But as we get to this month, the month between 16 October when she died and 16 November, her birthday, I think about her a lot. And more often than not lately I get pissed off.
A part of me died with her that day. There's nothing I can do about it now.
This morning I had a moment. A moment where overwhelming anger and sadness engulfed me. It was just a moment, perhaps two, where I missed the very being of her and the life that she embodied, and then I kept going. Because that's what I do, can do.
I barely mention her these days. After 13 years you'd think you'd have moved on and for the most part I have. But when I realise that I should be sitting in a restrauant toasting or partying at her celebration and not standing in my kitchen quietly mentioning that it should've been her 30th and then proceeding to drink way more than I should on a Wednesday night.
Like I say, waves. They get fewer and far between.
Then I started thinking about life. About my life. About love, love lost and the future. And then I started thinking about boys, one boy in particular if I'm being completely honest. (Which I am because I'm a little tipsy. And I have to get up in 7 hours and go to work. Eah.) A boy that I should have given a chance, but I didn't because I thought I couldn't. Turns out I should have, and want to, but may be too late.
Now what? How do I move forward? How do I get everything I want? How do I let myself be happy or try and be happy? How?
She died 13 years ago, just one month shy of her 17th birthday. Had she survived, she'd be 30. Today.
I miss her. I am angry at her. I don't know what life would be like with her, had she lived. She didn't. I didn't get to toast her for her 30th birthday today. She left and left me behind.
I don't think about her a lot. I mostly remember her with love. I often think of her with sadness. As the years go on I find myself thinking less and less as the individual days go on. But as we get to this month, the month between 16 October when she died and 16 November, her birthday, I think about her a lot. And more often than not lately I get pissed off.
A part of me died with her that day. There's nothing I can do about it now.
This morning I had a moment. A moment where overwhelming anger and sadness engulfed me. It was just a moment, perhaps two, where I missed the very being of her and the life that she embodied, and then I kept going. Because that's what I do, can do.
I barely mention her these days. After 13 years you'd think you'd have moved on and for the most part I have. But when I realise that I should be sitting in a restrauant toasting or partying at her celebration and not standing in my kitchen quietly mentioning that it should've been her 30th and then proceeding to drink way more than I should on a Wednesday night.
Like I say, waves. They get fewer and far between.
Then I started thinking about life. About my life. About love, love lost and the future. And then I started thinking about boys, one boy in particular if I'm being completely honest. (Which I am because I'm a little tipsy. And I have to get up in 7 hours and go to work. Eah.) A boy that I should have given a chance, but I didn't because I thought I couldn't. Turns out I should have, and want to, but may be too late.
Now what? How do I move forward? How do I get everything I want? How do I let myself be happy or try and be happy? How?
Rest in peace Camille.
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