Eulogies

Have you ever given a Eulogy? I've done it twice now. Once for my Grandfather in 2009 and once this week for my Great Aunt. Both were for elders in my family and as the oldest grandchild I stood up to speak on behalf of the family.

It's always a lot tougher than I think. I don't have a problem writing what I want to say or feel nervous about getting up and speaking in front of everyone. It's the looking out at all the faces and realising that I only know a handful of them and that every single person has their own stories and memories of this special person. Then I feel the pressure to speak honestly and respectfully and tell everyone about the person I knew. And, no one seems to want to laugh at jokes or stories that are funny. I think it's ok to laugh at funerals, the people that we are there to remember were funny, they were happy, we should remember them as such.

This week there were two services held for Maryann. A memorial service was held here in Wellington on Wednesday afternoon (NZ time) in the Lady Chapel at the Wellington Cathedral. The funeral service was held in Mundford, Norfolk on Thursday afternoon (UK time) at the local church (I don't know the name unfortunetly, but I remember it from my visit there in 2008). A third memorial service will be held later this year by the acting community in London. Maryann would have been chuffed at three services and I was particularly touched by how many people attended both services. It's so touching to know that she meant something to all so many people on both sides of the world.

The two Eulogies were written by me (and read at the Wellington service) and my Mum (read by Jason at the Mundford service).

My Eulogy:

Last week our family lost one of our matriachs. Maryann was my Great Aunt. I’m a little sketchy on the medical details, but from what I understand Maryann died after developing a heart condition. It took her life as quickly as it surfaced. 

Maryann was the younger sister of my Gran Susie. They spent their early years in India before getting stuck in England during a visit when World War 2 started. At age 14 Maryann came to New Zealand with her family when her father was sent to establish BP here. Maryann made many friends here during her time in New Zealand, some of whom she kept in touch with and visited while here this year. Maryann returned to England with her parents after a few years, leaving Susie behind who’d fallen in love with a good kiwi bloke.

Maryann she was a like a second Gran to us. We saw her every three or so years when she visited. She was just like Gran, but had a much stronger British accent.

Maryann lived her life between her roomy London flat and a small cottage in Mundford, Norfolk. I remember seeing a lot of photos of the cottage during various seasons growing up. Four years ago I went to England and spent several nights with Maryann in Mundford. It was a great experience to see the famed cottage in person and spend a few nights there.  Many of Maryann’s nieces their friends and then her great nieces, great nephews and their friends have all spent their first few nights at Maryann’s London flat, before travelling onwards. She wouldn’t pick you up from the airport or take you to the tourist attractions, but when you’ve just travelled to the other side of the world, having someone to meet you at the end of the road with a cup of tea and a bed to sleep on it makes the overseas experience that much more homely.

I was amazed at the field at the bottom of the garden. A large plot of land that is owned by many families in the area. Maryann owned a large section of it that she had used for several things. A large part of it was used as a vegetable plot by Maryann and several local friends. The boy scouts had their club rooms on the field too. The field is not accessible by car and therefore will never be good for developers or used to build on. So what does one do with a large plot of land in the middle of the English countryside?  It had become a family tradition that should one find themselves in the english countryside one must Frolick in the Field. Because really, what else do you DO with a field?

Mum, Morgan and I have all frolicked in the field and all have similar photos. My sister Lee mentioned her sadness at the prospect of now never having the chance to frolick in the field. However I'm fairly confident that should any of Maryann descendants ever find themselves in the English countryside, they merely need to knock on the neighbours door, introduce themselves and visit the field. Of course once there, you must frolick. It's tradition after all.

Maryann wouldn’t travel half way round the world for funerals or for weddings, but she would come to spend a few weeks every three or so years. When she visited in February of this year she stayed a few nights with Lexi and Dad in Auckland then came to Wellington to spend the last of the summer weeks at the beach with Gran and Gill. I went to visit one weekend with Lee and Dorian. We spent the afternoon walking along the beach and playing in the sand. I took my favourite photo of her, which is on the cover of the service booklet. I lay down on the sand to take a photo of the dogs running towards me. Maryann stood in front of me and bent down to see what I was doing. She had the goofy smile on her face that I’ll always remember.  After saying goodbye she visited Mum in Australia before heading home to England. We weren’t to know it was the last time we’d see her, but I’m pleased we saw her not long before she died.

Maryann had attended Drama School in England and while she did many theatre shows, we knew her as a TV actress. It’s our families claim to fame. She was in many British shows and had more work after she retired than before. Most of my friends know her only from a one-off appearance in 'Little Britian' as one of the old frog ladies. She was in Kingdom with Stephen Fry and she appeared in shows such as The Bill, Doc Martin and many others. I can't remember the amount of times that we would get a call to say she was in an episode of some show and we had to watch. We would, only to have to watch the next episode because it was actually that episode she was in. And usually it was for half a minute about ten minutes in, but we would sit and watch the entire episode just in case she came back. I remember watching an entire miniseries that was completely horrific because she was in the first episode as the Grandmother going away on holiday, then the entire drama was about the horrible things that happened while she was away. In the last episode she came home at the very end, with open arms getting off the plane. That's how I saw her most times she came to visit us in New Zealand!

Maryann always had a pet budgie named George. She had George when she lived in New Zealand and after that she always had a George. She would teach them to talk and to sit on her shoulder or knee. Some flew away and some died. Some were around for years and some weren't. One was returned for being a girl because the girls don’t talk. There was no George the 13th, just George the one after the 12th. George the 16th died a week before Maryann. While enjoying a cup of tea with George perched on the rim, Maryann left the room, only to return to find him head up, drowned in the tea. It's ok to laugh, I sure did.

The cottage in Norfolk and the London apartment were owned by my great-grandparents and now they will be sold. The furniture sold or donated to charity, the field gifted to the local church and her photographs, jewellery and precious belongings shipped down under. And just like that our small family will no longer have any roots in England. And that's ok, we're kiwis after all.

I’m sure there is so much more I could tell you about Maryann, her life and how much she was loved and respected. But the last thing I have to say is about the thing I’ll miss most. It’s her hands on my cheeks as she’d give a cheeky little smile and lean in for a kiss and a hug. I remember it well and always will.

Mum's Eulogy:

Maryann was born in India, her parents were there as her Father Reginald had a job there with BP. They had gone to India in 1929 immediately after their wedding and Maryann’s sister Susie was born there in 1930. It was truly the days of the British Raj. Recently we found my Granny, Kathleen’s, diary from 1936. It was filled with appointment for tennis and ‘tea’ with friends’ . They had a cook, and a nanny for the little girls and no doubt cleaners and so on.

In 1939 Kathleen  Susie and Maryann were visiting family in Britain when war broke out. They couldn’t go back to India and Reggie was left there  for the whole of the war. As Kathleen  and the girls had no home in the UK they spent the war staying with various relatives which I’m sure wasn’t always easy.

After the  war Reggie returned and they settled in London. In 1948 Reggie got word that he was needed  by BP to start up the company in New Zealand. New Zealand?? Where on earth is that? It was as far away as it was possible to go, 6 weeks on a boat. Maryann has talked to me about how torn they were to leave England and go to this stage place with unpronounceable place names.

When they arrived in Wellington they set up home and one of the first people they met was John Akers who came from the BP office to help set up the girls’ bicycles. He was of course to marry Susie and become my Father.

Maryann went to boarding school, in a small provincial town about 2 hours drive from Wellington. The girls there, from farming families in provincial New Zealand must have been very different to Maryann who had already travelled widely and lived through the war in Britain.  Maryann always talked about the wonderful times she had at school and made friends there who she was still seeing when she was in NZ this year .

After she had finished school she went to Victoria University in  Wellington for a while, then the family returned to London. Susie stayed on in NZ as she had a career there and of course, John Akers.

In London Maryann wanted to go to Drama college. Her father insisted that she also do a secretarial course so that she had some skills for when the acting bug was over. Of course she never needed to be a secretary!

Maryann worked in theatre and then television for the whole of her life from  then on, sometimes working a lot , sometimes with long gaps between jobs. In NZ we know her work for the snippets we see in UK TV shows. Many of you will know her stage work as  well. Her work took her all over Britain, and more recently she had parts that took her to Iceland and To South Africa.

To us she was highly glamorous, working in lovey places, holidaying in even lovelier places and able to buy cottages that she renovated, while still enjoying life in London.

Maryann has talked to me about the anguish she felt at not  finding ‘the right bloke’, marrying and having children.  Still,  her life was busy with work, her houses,  and gardens. She was a constant companion for her Mother and they lived and travelled together. The last time we saw Kathleen , she was 82 and she and Maryann had come to NZ for the usual 3 yearly holiday.

Maryann always ‘served’ whether it was to either  the church in London or in Norfolk, the conservative party, or various family members. She was a  devoted visitor to her cousin Eileen. When I talked to her on the phone she would have just been making 400 meringues, or 27 apple pies or 3  knitted eddies or a pile of little knitted chickens to be sold for the church or conservatives. She was never idle and kept a huge vege garden which meant she was mostly self sustaining  in veges year around.

She also had a constant stream of Visitors from New Zealand and many of my generation and  my children and their friends visited and stayed or based them selves in Marloes road for a few days or weeks. Everyone remembers Maryann as a quintisential art of their UK trip.  Some of us  also came to Mundford to see where the family came from, visit the graves of Kathleen and Reggie and an essential part of our trip was always to ‘ frolick ‘ in  the field with the obligatory photograph to immortalise the event . 

Her constant companion was her budgie George. Actually I think she was up to about George 16th. Its  hard to keep count. George died a week before Maryann did. He was standing on the rim of her cup drinking from her tea, when he toppled in and drowned while she was out of the room. Its OK to laugh, we did. How fortunate that we didn’t have to find a new home for George .

In February this year Maryann embarked on her 3 yearly pilgrimage to NZ. She did a  5 day tour of Cambodia on the way, stopped in Auckland to see Lexi  and Terry then had 3 weeks in Wellingotn with Susie, Gill, Heather,  Lee and Morgan  and met her great great  nephew Dorian. She then came to see me in Australia for 5 days, and meet my partner Wayne.  She was fit and strong and on the last day she walked to the beach 3 times for   quick dip in the sea.  None of us had any inkling that  we wouldn’t see her again. Just a few weeks later she developed a  heart condition which lead to the multi system failure that she died of. The last few months really emphasised to us how fit and healthy she has been all her life.

Through the last few months Maryann has ben faithfully cared for by Jason Taylor and Mary Sweeny who visited her, and were working behind the scenes on some of the tricker issues like funding for treatment, and communication with the Doctors. All of this was carefully relayed to us in NZ, thank heaven  for E mail.!

It was an enormous comfort to us, and would have been for Maryann too, that Mary was with her for the last day and with her when she died. Maryann Loved Mary and would have known she was loved  right up to the end.

Jason has worked wonders in arranging this funeral and in starting to arrange the future of Maryann’s houses and so on. The family are eternally grateful to May and Jason for all they have done.

Maryann was very very special to me, we had a close bond that nothing could change. I miss her terribly already and look forward to the day that I can come to England stand stand beside her grave myself.

Thank you so much for coming today to say goodbye to Maryann. It is good to celebrate the wonderful life she had, and its Ok to feel sad and a sense of loss. I will miss her forever and she will always be ‘My Maryann’